Enoughness

My life is filled with it...

Life seems to revolve around “enoughs”.

In my teens, I wondered if I was skinny enough. Cute enough. Worthy enough. When the insatiable depression hit I wondered why I wasn’t happy enough. Why therapy wasn’t working enough. Why I couldn’t fix myself quick enough.

Into my marriage I wondered why I wasn’t religious enough. Why we didn’t financially make enough. I became pregnant and wondered if I was informed enough. Ready enough. Equipped enough.

Motherhood came and with it anxiety. Was his room hot or cold enough? Was he eating enough? Was I supporting his development enough?

Enoughness is like the aphids gnawing little holes in the strawberry leaves, imperceptible at first then suddenly infiltrating entire fields. Enoughness slips through the sands of my dreams, waking me in a cold sweat and filling my thoughts with what-if’s.

What if I was too loud at our bonfire last night, too obnoxious and high off of extroverted fumes?

What if the one snappy thing I said to my toddlers at breakfast is the thing that sticks, the thing they dissolve into tears about in therapy 15 years from now?

What if I publish the poetry book I’ve been working so hard on, only to lose money and end up with a box of books gathering dust in the garage?

Am I worthy enough to pursue this dream? To buy this thing? To invest in myself, my health, my family?

Am I doing enough?

Will I ever be enough?

This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series "Enough".

Alexa is a poet and writer in Fort Collins, CO. She recently published a poetry book delving into the nitty-gritty of parenthood titled “Motherhood Disenchanted.” She loves tea, sunsets, and the beach. She is into homeschooling, freebirth, herbalism, and all things crunchy.

Click Here to Buy Motherhood Disenchanted, the poetry book I wish I had when entering motherhood.